I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
