I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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