she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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