I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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