i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
