Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
