I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
