watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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