I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize