I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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