i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
