Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
