Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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