can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
