dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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