I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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