I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
