Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
