i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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