I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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