My room smells like vodka and shame
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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