Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
