dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
