I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
