So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
