I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
