my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
