dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
