seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
please come you make the beer taste better
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
