I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
