Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
