my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
