bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
