I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
