Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
