I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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