From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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