dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize