Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
