The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
