so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
