did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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