when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
