Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
