the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Did I show you my penis last night?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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