I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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