I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
