hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
