does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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