Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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