I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
