She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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