you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
