i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
