Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
