dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
