just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
