I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
