I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
