you traded sex for a burrito?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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